Woman in White Dress Shirt Sitting Beside Woman in White Long Sleeve Shirt
(Photo : cottonbro from Pexels)

The most recent divorce statistics are out and for some states, like Florida, the news is pretty positive. For the nation as a whole, though, the stats aren't as encouraging. Fortunately, there are some scientifically-proven predictors of divorce that, if present in your marriage, can be eliminated before you actually reach the point of splitting up. These four predictors are the work of Drs John and Julie Gottman and being aware of them might just save your marriage.

Defensiveness

When people get defensive, they are not taking responsibility for their actions, but are instead acting like the victim. In a marriage, this is damaging because when one person gets defensive, it triggers the same behavior in the other person. Eventually, this escalates into each person accusing the other of transgressions that shouldn't be the focus of the discussion. And when you're trying to one-up your partner, you're not listening to them and you're definitely not communicating.

The best thing you can do to avoid becoming defensive is to realize that no one is perfect. There are going to be mistakes in the marriage and you'll need to discuss them calmly without putting a wall up and accusing your partner of doing something equally as bad. This "yes, but..." attitude keeps people from focusing on the issue at hand and actually coming up with a resolution.

Criticism

No one likes being criticized and it hurts even more when it comes from someone who supposedly loves you. Often, when combined with defensiveness, criticism becomes personal and one person begins to criticize their partner's character, personality, or physical appearance, none of which is helpful. Criticism is going to escalate any situation and halt any communication that could lead to a solution. 

When discussing an important matter with your spouse, be careful to only criticize behavior and explain how it made you feel. Focus on that and you'll keep the situation in control and the communication flowing.

Stonewalling

This is when one spouse completely withdraws from communication and uses avoidance as a way to escape conflict. Of course, the conflict never really goes away because it's never resolved, so it just keeps coming up again and again. Stonewalling can look like the silent treatment, one-word responses, and storming out during an argument. To avoid this divorce predictor, it's okay to say you need a break and agree to return to the issue when you're both calmer.

Contempt

Contempt is the worst of the four scientific predictors of divorce because it's actually a form of abuse. When you roll your eyes, speak sarcastically, show hostility, or even make insensitive jokes, you're showing your partner that you don't value them. Your intention is to whittle away at their self-worth until you get your way.

There is no room in a marriage for contempt. All discussions should be respectful and show tolerance, appreciation, and kindness, even when you're upset. It takes a lot of practice to eliminate contemptuous behaviors when you're angry, but your marriage will be stronger if you do.

Conclusion

Known as the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse," defensiveness, criticism, stonewalling, and contempt will completely destroy a marriage. But, the good news is, you can veer from a destructive path before it's too late by learning how to change these dynamics in your marriage.